What Might Have Been

June 2nd. A day filled with so much anticipated joy and expected happiness. A day that signaled a huge change for us. A day that seemed so far off when we first heard the date, and yet it is now here. And instead of joy...it's filled with sorrow. Instead of happiness....it's filled with unmet dreams. Instead of anticipation...it's filled with remembrance. Why?

Today was my due date.

Some of you have traveled with us on our difficult journey these past few months, and others have not known. I apologize for not sharing this with those of you we don't see very often, but it's only been recently that it's become easier to tell our story.

And so today, instead of waiting for or holding a small baby, I tell our story in memory of the small life that ended too quickly.

Late September 2009- we had recently returned from my brother's wedding and found out we were pregnant. We were quite surprised, yet excited as well. We began talking and dreaming about how our life was to change with a new addition in the family. We started praying for our baby nightly and I began my pregnancy journal. There was so much joy. We didn't tell many people though because we wanted to wait until after our first ultrasound to make sure everything was ok. We didn't have much reason to fear, yet we had seen a few people around us joyfully announce pregnancies, only to have them not work out.

October- our first ultrasound appointment on a Friday. I was 9 weeks at this point and was so anxious to know everything was ok. Nothing could have prepared us for the devastation we would experience when the ultrasound revealed the baby only measured 6+ weeks with no heartbeat or bloodflow. We went home and cried the entire weekend. It was horrible. I cannot begin to explain the emotional pain and heartache that occurred when we heard the term missed miscarriage. All of our hopes, dreams, and plans were snatched from us in a matter of minutes. I was so angry at God for not stopping this. I knew God hadn't caused it, yet I knew in His infinite power He could have prevented it.

We went back on Monday for a follow-up and to discuss our options. The ultrasound showed the same, but my hormone levels were still increasing appropriately for how far along I was. Therefore, we decided to wait and watch what was happening and pray for wisdom regarding decisions that had to be made.

November- We ended up waiting two weeks until my body finally was able to let go of our baby and naturally miscarry. What a dreadful two weeks those were...not really being able to move on because I knew our deceased child was still in me, yet grieving because the pregnancy had ended. I felt like a walking zombie during that time.

It was after most of this that we began sharing our devastating news with people. I knew I could not make it through the grief process without the prayers of so many, and yet it was hard to be so open and vulnerable with people- some of whom had been through this before and others that had no clue what it meant to lose a baby. Still, we opened ourselves up and shared where we were at.

Where does that leave us today? We are still healing, me more so than Scott. Grief is such an ugly monster- rearing its head at unexpected times. And yet I know it's normal and I know I'm healing. I don't grieve as much as I did before and I am finding more hope in life. I just didn't think it would be such a long process- emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And through it all, I know God is molding us to be more compassionate and loving because of our miscarriage. We are changed people because of it. God can use the hurt and pain in our life to bring about good.

And I guess that's part of my hope today. That by sharing my story, God would be glorified through it. I don't know what the future holds for us or our family, but I'm trying to leave it in the hands of God who is able to give immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

We will always remember in our hearts, however, our first child who changed us in so many ways.